Flaunting my own epicness

A Facebook friend of mine posted a link about theories on rape prevention (which is nonsense and my friend doesn't believe in that, which is good because then I'd have to defriend her and I don't want to do that because she rocks).

So this is what I said and I like it.

I think asking "How man women protect themselves against rape?" just doesn't jive with the reality of rape. And I'm not sure what you could say. "Don't get into the car with strangers" doesn't work when the perpetrator is, say, a guy from your dorm at college. "Be careful around strange men" doesn't work when need a plumber or exterminator or electrician to work in your home.

Given that most victims know their rapists and have at least a semblance of some sort of relationship, what do you say? "Don't be too trusting of anyone"? Plus, there is such a wide variety of potential perps and victims and relationships that it is at best futile and at worst insulting to issue some catch-all tips, and there's no way you could issue tips about every possible rape scenario. That's why the best way to to prevent a rape is to make sure it never happens, and the onus therefore is on the man to understand why rape is never acceptable. (And I suppose on society to teach him that.)

To tell people they can help prevent their own rapes is like telling them they can prevent being hit by a drunken driver. It's not possible. Sure, you can give people tips on how to drive safely just as you can give people tips to how to "stay safe," in a very general way. But, you can't control the actions of other people, and there's no way to prevent yourself from becoming a target whether it be by chance or design. To go back to the burglary analogy, there are lots of tips to help make your house safer -- lock your doors, have an alarm, get a dog -- and they might even be dressed up as ways to prevent burglary; but if a burglar decides your house is the target, you have no control over that, just as a victim can't prevent being singled out by a rapist.

Bah, I hit return. I meant to add that for hundreds of years, society has blamed rape victims for the crimes against them. I think the outrage at the idea that people can prevent their own rapes has echoes of, "We've shouldered enough responsibility, it's time to shift the blame where to belongs." There can be no such thing as, "Rape is always the rapist's fault BUT...." Even if that's not what well-intentioned people mean to say when they suggest there are ways for people to protect themselves, that's how it comes out.

Then I wrote something else epic about women and objectification. Maybe I'll post that later when I need an epic pick-me-up.

Why?

At the gas station today, I saw a car parked, engine running, windows down, music blaring, no one inside.

And I thought, "What's the point?" I understand leaving the car running with the AC on to keep it cool, but the windows were down. You couldn't hear the music inside the gas station convenience store. It was one of the most pointless things I have ever seen. And a blatant waste of gas ... at a gas station.

Then and now

I'm reading this:



There's one part that made me giggle a little because it's such a contrast to the 21st-century mindset.

In this novel, Eustacia Vye, who is as close to gentry as you get in a little farming community by a heath, longs for the glamour and bustle of a bigger town and a better lifestyle. Another character mentions an elderly woman in the nearby metropolis of Budmouth seeks a live-in companion. All the companion would have to do is read to the woman and chat with her a bit. As the man says, for those who play, it's work; for those who work, it's play.

Budmouth would suit Eustacia well. She remembers it from her childhood and would love to go back. And if she took the job, she'd have somewhere to live, a wage and she could hunt for a rich husband. But she says she's not interested in the position because it would mean giving up her independence.

And I thought, "Wow!" Because by today's standards, Eustacia is not independent. She's completely dependent on her grandfather; the only independence she has is to spend her days being bored and hating the heath and pining for a man she doesn't really love. She's indolent to the max. It's 180 degrees from independence. Today, she'd be scorned as a welfare queen.

I like classic literature because life was so different then. I can't imagine living like Eustacia with nothing to do. Although as I consider the dishes in the sink and the unmade bed, I feel game to try.

Conversions

Sometimes, I spontaneously bake. I try to keep all the ingredients I could possibly need on hand -- chocolate chips, honey, walnuts, etc. -- but I have gotten about halfway through a recipe and realized I need to make an emergency run to the store.

Hopefully, this handy-dandy Joy of Baking ingredient substitution table will help out with that. I'm excited to see I can substitute honey for corn syrup and lemon juice for cream of tartar.

I love it.

Questions and answers

Remember all those e-mail surveys we received/sent as kids that asked us questions about ourselves? I got this one from a Facebook friend and it's apparently designed for grown-ups.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Gas and electric -- they always feel too high.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Home.

3. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Reading my book.

4. How many colleges did you attend?
One.

5. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
It's clean.

6. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
They're dropping. Score!

7. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
My alarm doesn't go off on Sundays, but on mornings it does go off, my first thought is something like, "Uuuugggghhhh."

8. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
"I'm sleepy."

9. Do you miss being a child?
Not at all.

10. What errand/chore do you despise?
Cleaning the bathroom.

11. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in.

12. Have you found real love yet?
Yes.

13. Favorite lunch meat?
Salami.

14. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
When I do go, which is rarely, it's toiletries.

15. Beach or lake?
Beach

16. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
I don't think it's outdated. For better or worse (ha!), I think there are legal and economic benefits to marriage, but I don't think it's necessary to legitimize a relationship. I remember going to a concert and the performer said her daughter had been seeing a man for about six years, but that those anniversaries didn't count because her daughter wasn't married. Now, that mind-set is outdated.

17. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
I haven't seen either.

18. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Stephen Fry.

19. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Well, I once had a little, er, confrontation with a concrete post, but I don't know if that qualifies as a crash because I didn't come to a halt.

20. Ever use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
I have never used one at all.

21. Ring tone(s)?
It's called "Aqueous."

22. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
I don't think I've ever brushed my teeth in a strange place.

23. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
El Centro to visit my friend Kelly.

23. Do you go to church?
No.

24. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
If I had to pick, a new career. But really I'm satisfied with both.

25. How old are you?
Twenty-seven.

26. Do you have a go-to person?
Not really. My boyfriend is probably my No. 1, and my parents are always ready to dole out help and advice, but I'm a fairly self-sufficient person.

27. Are you where you want to be in life?
No, but I'm in a good place.

28. Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?
Postman Pat, James Bond Jr., Thundercats and Biker Mice from Mars.

29. What about you do you think has changed the most?
In some ways, I'm younger than I used to be.

30. Looking back at high school were they the best years of your life?
They were good, but not the best.

31. Are there times you still feel like a kid?
Oh, yes.

32. Did you ever own troll dolls?
Yes. And I cut their hair off.

33. Did you have a pager?
No.

34. Where was the hang-out spot when you were a teenager?
I'm not sure. I lived in a rural area and didn't do much hanging out.

35. Were you the type of kid you would want your children to hang out with?
Sure. I didn't get into trouble.

Feminist graphic FTW

This is an awesome graphic that I found through the STFU Conservatives blog, although I believe it originated here.

I've also had skeevy comments. There was one guy who, upon learning I have boyfriend, asked, "Are you faithful to him?" and seemed surprised when I said yes. And the guy who asked me my name at Wendy's and said it's "sensual," all the while looking me up and down in a way that made it clear what was on his mind. I've had some men honk at me, some whistles, comments. Not that many, but some.

The graphic is right. It's not charming or funny or uplifting to be on the receiving ends of that attention. Comments like "DAMN, sexy!" aren't flattering, they are unnerving. It's degrading to be treated as a potential bed partner. It's uncomfortable to receive so much attention from someone you don't know but who has the power to hurt you. It's one thing when a guy approaches you, strikes up a conversation and then politely asks for your number, accepting without question if he's rejected, but that's not what we're talking about, that's not what this comic is about. This is about men who treat a woman on the street like a sex toy there for their pleasure and amusement. It's easy to tell women to just ignore those men, but some will, as the graphic says, curse you out for it, and that's degrading and humiliating. (Yes, there are men out there who believe they deserve your time and attention and get angry when you show you disagree.) It starts with a comment, but you're not sure what will happen next.

I think some of the men who make these comments know it's a power play and enjoy the ego boost of a) attracting the attention of a woman and b) insulting her if she ignores them. But I also think some men believe these comments are the ultimate compliments because they're the kinds of things they wish women would say to them. The sad truth is, it's just another form of sexism.

A hard letter to write

"Dear Uncle:

I'm just e-mailing to say hello and I hope you're doing OK."

That's as far as I've gotten in my letter to my uncle who right now is deployed in Afghanistan. My mother mentioned that my uncle loves getting bits of news of home, so I silently promised I would write him. I haven't written in a couple of months, and then it was just to say hello and that I'm thinking of him.

I'm stuck as to what to write. After all, I can't keep sending him letters that just say hello and that I'm thinking of him. That's going to get old soon for both of us. But I don't really have much else to say. That's partly because I lead a pretty mundane life and partly because I can't imagine my uncle is particularly interested in what's going on in it. Yes, my uncle loves me -- I'm his favourite (OK, only) niece -- but I expect e-mails from his wife, mother and sister are the ones he's most interested in. My uncles and I get along really well, but we don't really keep in touch between family gatherings.

My mother says I should e-mail my uncle a book review so he can brag to his fellow troops about me, but that makes me feel super awkward. I can't help feeling the troops have better things to do, like stay alive.

Anyway, I'll probably blither a bit about what my boyfriend and I did this summer and put in a few photos and hope for the best. But I can't figure out what I'm really feeling here. Is my self-esteem so low that I believe my uncle doesn't care about my life? Or is my self-importance so high that I imagine he does during such a stressful time?